I think it’s pretty well established that motherhood changes you. While you don’t necessarily become a different person, you definitely grow into this new version of yourself that you might not recognize. First and foremost there’s that awesome shock of love. I’ve never really been a believer in love at first sight. Relationships take time and there isn’t anything magical about it. Except… for motherhood. That tiny little being that grew from inside me? Yeah I found myself instantly loving them with a force that surprised me.
And that love just continued to grow as they grew. It was surprising with MM but when BB was born I remember thinking, “But what if I don’t feel it right away? How do I know I’ll be able to feel that way all over again?” But oohhh did I. It’s like your heart can just expand and expand and expand to the point that you think it might rip itself right out of you it’s so full.
But of course there are less romantic changes, too. Physically, I know I will never look the same. The baby pooch is probably here to stay, no matter how much weight I lose. Stretch marks are all over and prominent, in places I wouldn’t have even expected. I don’t find it strange to walk around covered in various stains, spit up and leaked milk. Par for the course, you know? I might not brush my hair or teeth right away after waking up because often the kids will need me first. That’s normal. I’ll get to it, I swear.
And there’s the emotional roller coaster that is motherhood. Did I mention I have a three year old? That means I find myself frustrated, furious, proud, disappointed, overwhelmed, bored, agitated, restless and drained every day. He’s a handful of emotions and just learning to control them. There are shouting matches that I’m not proud to admit to, but let’s keep it real here. I lose my temper. Probably more so because I love him and care how he turns out and know that he’s capable of so much more sometimes. I’m very much emotionally invested with him so I find myself losing it over things that would have seemed really silly or pointless before motherhood. I get frustrated when he acts out and I don’t always know how to respond, don’t always make the right choices and this leads to guilt…
Oh so much guilt. I have never felt guilty so frequently in my life. And when BB was born three months ago, oh god the guilt – and the LOVE – and the guilt – and the EXHAUSTION – and the LOVE – and the guilt. It was all consuming and still is some days. How do you juggle those varying emotions? I’ll let you know when I figure it out.
Mama Kat wants to know, how has motherhood changed you?