Category Archives: motherhood

On the size of the universe and those big blue eyes.

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Every time one of the kids gets a hair cut, they seem to instantly get older. BB had a massive growth spurt in my mind after her haircut last weekend and I’m noticing it more and more each day now. Adorable hair cut, huge blue eyes that could make or break your heart and a wiseness beyond her years.

She is amazingly clever and witty these days, and surprising us all with little jokes and insights. Maybe she’s always been this witty and we’re just starting to notice.

Yesterday we went to one of our favorite coffee shops together and I took out an apple sauce pouch for her, as I often do. Her face lit up and she exclaimed, “Go go squeezes are my favorite in the UNIVERSE!”

I laughed and asked her how big the universe was. She held out both arms about as wide as she is tall and said confidently, “This big.”

So fitting – to a three year old, the universe is pretty much a bubble that they alone fit inside of – it’s kind of their defining characteristic.

Meanwhile, I’m still in awe that my three year old says words like “universe” and seems to have developed a sudden understanding of addition and subtraction when we weren’t looking. We may be in for it with this one.

Tuesday 10: Life Beyond These Early Childhood Years

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reach

I can feel the end of an era coming as my littlest gets bigger and bigger. Even the puppy is slowly turning into a regular old, gigantic, spazzy dog. In the fall my “baby” begins 4k and I’ll be finding myself with a handful of hours to myself each day. Next year, when she’s in kindergarten, that window of time will get even larger. Like “should I maybe get a job?” larger. I’ve gone back and forth in my mind about what I plan to do when the kids are both in school and the truth is, I just don’t know.

What I do know is that I really want to be there when they get off the bus each day which means “Mother’s Hours” wherever I decide to spend my time. I could volunteer in the class, find a part time job, work from home, spend my days in yoga pants at the gym or walking the dog or becoming the Domestic Goddess that I can’t seem to achieve with two kids in tow. Or something else entirely.

Because it’s Tuesday and I like making random lists, here are 10 things that I would like to when my kiddos are both School Kiddos:

  1. Write a novel or maybe a novella or maybe something else entirely. Creative writing of some kind.
  2. Read lots of other peoples’ novels and novellas and other creative writing endeavors and possibly edit them.
  3. Exercise, like every freaking day. Yoga classes, long walks, strength training, running perhaps?
  4. Go on long walks in beautiful places with my camera and not have a small child tugging on my arm while I click the shutter.
  5. Sit in a coffee shop and drink a cup of coffee and read a book instead of drinking my coffee as quickly as possible and telling my daughter to share the toys with the other kids and stop piling all the toy food on my table.
  6. Take the dog for a long walk every day or at least, much more often – explore dog parks together and enjoy some fresh air.
  7. Go grocery shopping all by myself. Nuff said.
  8. Take a shower and not be paranoid about how many minutes it’s been.
  9. Start reading a magazine and finish it in the same sitting.
  10. Do numbers 1-9 and still have ten minutes left over to meditate or watch crappy television before the kids come home.

You’ll notice that cleaning wasn’t anywhere on this list? I said things I would *like* to do, not things I’ll guilt trip myself into doing instead!

What’s on your mind today? Share your favorite things to do without kids in the comments section or just say hi and tell me something totally random! 

On Princesses Who Do Ballet and Drawing Our Own Lines.

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contraditictory ballerina

Today was her second ballet class. It went sooooo much better than last week. She has been eagerly waiting for class all week and was all smiles and confidence as she strutted into class in her new ballet slippers and sparkly tutu. She spent class having a great time, but absolutely marching to the beat of her own drum, unconcerned if her twirls and leaps were not exactly the same as the other girls. She was eager and friendly but definitely giving off that I’m Gonna Do It My Way vibe that I love about her.

Do I care if she becomes smitten with all things ballet and turns into a Swan Lake Super Star? Nope – I just want her to have a great time and learn new things with confidence and poise. To embrace the challenges in her life and never stop trying. I want her to fall down and get back up – to make new friends and know when to let go. I want her to define awesomeness for herself and defend those choices with vigor.

ta da!

After class I asked her if she liked being a ballerina and she said calmly, “I’m not a ballerina mommy. I’m a Princess who does ballet.” I tried to get her to divulge the difference between ballerinas and Princesses Who Do Ballet but she was pretty vague on the topic. I think it has something to do with the skirt? But probably it’s about the attitude. Ballerinas fall in line, princesses draw the line, you know?

my princess

This girl definitely draws her own lines!

ballet lessons: on overcoming her fears & the power of shoe therapy

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ballet

When we arrived at the ballet studio of our local YMCA this morning, my brave and spirited little princess morphed into a distraught wallflower for possibly the first time in her life. I’m not sure if it was the strange room filled with new people, the glass wall that separated the mommies from the children or the fact that every other little girl there had clearly been to ballet classes before (quite the feat considering this was a pre-ballet class for kids 3-4 years old!). Little BB seemed totally thrown by their confidence and wanted nothing to do with them. She clung to my legs and sobbed when I tried to lead her into the classroom and pleaded that she didn’t want to do ballet after all and maybe she should just have a snack instead.

She has never been this girl – in the face of new adventures, she tends to be fearless and though she’s never quite been a social butterfly, she’s always been friendly and self confident. Did she not sleep well? Was she sick? Was she really terrified of trying something new? Is this a sign of things to come? My mind raced with possible reasons for her meltdown as I tried to think of a solution and also tried not to cry as my heart broke for her. My own inner struggles growing up, trying unsuccessfully sometimes to fit in when finding myself again and again the New Girl ran through my mind and the Warrior Mother within me tried to send telepathic messages of strength and resilience to her.

I insisted that she had to stay for class and sit with the other girls unless she wanted to go home. I bribed her with the promise of a cookie afterwards if she tried. I’m not proud, sometimes you just have to do what works. For a few minutes she did sit there with the other girls, arms crossed with the surliest expression the Midwest has ever seen. But when class started, she absolutely refused to join in. The teacher tried to break the ice with an extended hand and a cheerful encouragement to join the fun, but BB scowled at her, and turned to me as if to say, “I’ll sit in this room, but you can’t make me participate.” A few minutes later, having seemingly had her fill, she got up and walked out of the classroom, giving me her best pout as she coaxed her way back into my arms.

After a few minutes of quietly talking to her, I finally found the apparent source of her angst – the shoes. Those damned shoes. All the girls had them except her and BB found herself filled with envy or perhaps just a sense of not fitting in because of her lack of footwear. Isn’t she too young for this, I wondered? I’m sure as she gets older, we’ll have our battles over owning the right jeans or what length of skirt is acceptable. But at three and a half years old, it surprises me how important fashion is to my daughter. Clearly this was the source of our problem though because when I told her firmly that I wouldn’t buy her ballet slippers unless she participated in class, she nodded calmly, found her inner confidence and marched timidly back into class.

I won’t say that suddenly she morphed into a ballet savant, she continued to be somewhat hesitant in her involvement, but slowly with each passing minute, she eased into it and by the end of class she was smiling and confident again. I rewarded her participation with a trip to the adorable ballet store at the nearby shopping center where a very kind salesperson helped her pick out her first pair of ballet slippers and a new tutu to wear as well. A lot of the other girls were rocking leotards and tights also, but I decided to be somewhat frugal and start with the basics that I knew would win over my little fashionista ballerina.

It’s been an emotional day for both of us, but we came out of it with new shoes, a cute skirt and a happy girl with high hopes for next week’s class. I am very proud of her for overcoming whatever fears she found herself faced with this morning and for giving it a shot.

my girl

Is there anything that new shoes can’t fix?

a place for everything and everything in its place? not quite.

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We’ve been dealing a lot lately with the whole picking up your toys and caring for your things issue with BB. Obviously, looking at this picture of her playing with Duplo blocks at our car dealer’s waiting room – the girl can organize and has a sense of where things belong and such. But looking at her bedroom you would never know it. I have, quite frankly, thrown in the towel where her room is concerned. In the downstairs area, we have purchased large cabinets to store all their toys and MM’s is somewhat thoughtfully organized, as is his bedroom on a good day. I’m sure when he was BB’s age that his belongings were just as messy and his concept of cleaning was just as muddled.

The thing is, every time I try to help her – by bringing in some thing to help her clean her room – it just becomes a new thing for her to climb on and / or use as a step stool. She is fearless and too clever and innovative for her own good (and mine) and thus most of our organizing methods have not lasted long in her bedroom, the one place in the house where she is largely unsupervised.

She is growing more and more every day and every day she is smarter and capable of more. She talks more clearly, is more out going, learning new skills and impressing mommy constantly. I know these days are just another phase in her childhood that she will mostly outgrow and that someday I can buy her a bookshelf or a toy box without worrying that she’ll use it to scale the walls. But in the meantime, please don’t look at my daughter’s bedroom, because it’s a disaster area.

on education and trying to predict which paths will lead to success

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This fall two very adorable children in my home will be going to the same school. He, a seasoned second grader. She, an exuberant addition to the 4k program. Both terrifically excited about the coming school year.

They will be attending the same school that MM is currently enrolled in. If you have been following my little education dilemma / saga, then you know this means that my transfer request was denied. I have been trying to get both kids into the school that our neighborhood was originally zoned in. The zoning was changed shortly before MM began his first year of school but of course all the neighborhood kids just transferred back to their old school, with a few exceptions of course.

So it was partly about wanting him to be in the same school as the neighbors… and partly about the fact that said school got much higher test scores than our current school which did very poorly. It’s partly about all the whispers I hear about bullies and a tiny bit of just neurotic mommy wanting the very best for her kid. Okay, maybe more than a tiny bit. The truth is, I’d really like to send my kids to some swanky private school but there aren’t a lot of those here in the Midwest and the ones around are either Very Catholic or VERY EXPENSIVE or both and / or far away. So I’m not sure if that’s ever going to be feasible here and you know, maybe that’s fine. Lots of people, myself included, do pretty well for themselves with a basic public school education.

But then there are also people like my incredibly intelligent husband, who did even better with a great private education. I’m sure part of this was very caring and involved parents who nurtured his education and part was the fact that he’s probably a LOT smarter than me and applied himself harder. But at the end of the day, looking at my education and my husband’s if I could pick one for my kids, of course I’d go for my husband’s education. I want the very best for them.

I’ve thought a lot about what the best is. Is it a local Catholic school? A private online school? Homeschooling? Is it moving to a new school district with better public schools or just making the best of the public education available to us here? For the moment, we will be going with the last one, it’s simply the option that will work for right now. And I’ll be doing my best to be very involved with both kids’ educations so that I know what is working and what isn’t.

The important thing to me, right now, is that both of my kids are very excited about their schooling this fall. MM literally hugged me with glee when I told him he’d be returning to his current school. I don’t blame him. For all my complaints about the school at large, he has a truly fantastic teacher, a good group of friends and his grades are stellar. BB is ecstatic about going to the same school as her brother so I’m glad that if one kid was denied the transfer that both were. It will be easier and I think they’ll love being in the same school. So I am super happy for them. But momma bear also continues to be cautious and plans to be paying close attention.

At the end of the day, there is no way to predict the outcome of all the options or to know which path could be the best. All I can do is follow my gut, do what I can and make the best of the roads laid before me – and be absolutely thrilled that I have two kids who love learning and are so excited about going to school. If I can be encouraging and positive about their educations, it can only improve their chances for success.

they are like night and day.

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the result of spaghetti night

Have you ever seen a child so gleeful and delighted in her own messiness? This is a girl who is not afraid to get her hands dirty exploring the world around her. She dives in headfirst in her adventures and seems confident that she’ll succeed in everything whether it’s reading a book or eating a mouthful of spaghetti – and if she doesn’t know what she’s doing, she’s not above faking it until you make it!

lady killer

He is totally the opposite. He’s always been my cautious guy and seems to have a moral objection to getting his hands dirty. Finger painting? Totally uninterested. He wants to know he’s going to do something perfectly before trying. And the thing is? There are a lot of things that he excels at without trying. He learns quickly and with gusto in some areas like reading, writing and math. But when it comes to art, sports, swimming, etc. it’s a lot of careful precision and planning before jumping into action.

Of course these are just generalizations. There are things that BB will be tentative about or insist that she “can’t do” and MM is quick to see every new person he meets as a lifelong friend. And while they are total opposites in a lot of ways, they are also definitely two peas in a pod in other ways.

Seven.

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MM in April

Today my little boy is seven years old. It really does seem like just yesterday. Just yesterday he was born. Just yesterday he was rolling over, learning to read, losing his first tooth, mumbling all of his words incoherently and adorably, drinking from a sippy cup, using plastic utensils, riding in a stroller at stores…

Just yesterday he was at home with me every day, watching shows on PBS and doing arts and crafts projects with me. Today he is nearly a second grader who can count well over 100, is learning contractions and a bit of multiplication in school. He is almost as obsessed with Doctor Who as his parents. He loves Star Wars, building and drawing, Wild Kratts on PBS, Jake and the Neverland Pirates. He is a perfect blend of little and big right now. I constantly have to remind myself how young he is and at the same turn am amazed by how big he is getting.

He likes books with pictures but can handle basic chapter books. When I read to him outloud, he says, “Mommy, when there is a picture on the page, stop so that I can look at it.” He wants to soak in every detail. He likes nonfiction picture books with facts about bugs or dogs or nature. He loves poetry and science fiction and is fascinated by healthy foods but still loves a great dessert. He’s a builder and planner and dreamer – a leader but a gentle soul who wants to please the people he loves.

MM could do anything – he could become anyone. He is amazingly intelligent and kind and caring. He is fascinated by the world around him and the people around him. He wants to know everything and meet everyone and experience all the world has to offer him. And of course, as his amazingly proud mommy, I want to give him all of those things. I want to show him the world and can’t wait to teach him new things, while also wanting to pause every moment and make them last forever.

Happy Birthday, MM! Mommy loves you so, so much!

On sunsets, shin splints and acknowledging my age.

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We recently joined a new gym that is open, I kid you not, 24 hours. They also have free child care, free drop in classes and personal tvs on every exercise bike. Basically, my excuses for not working out just got pretty sparse.

Hubby has been working out every morning before work. I am super proud of his dedication. Me on the other hand? I’ve gone three times now in the past two weeks with big plans to go tomorrow. I suppose that’s three (soon to be four) more times than I’ve gone to a gym in the past year or more, but still. The baby steps seem pathetic in comparison to Dan the Man.

What isn’t helping? Is that every time I’ve gone, I’ve been dealing with killer shin splints. Just walking the track around the perimeter of the gym is painful after a few minutes. Trying to run is a no go. The machines and I are not getting along at the moment because I am not good at pacing my workouts on an exercise bike and I’m wondering if that first day on the machines is the cause of my trouble or if I’m just pathetic.

Add this to the knee injury which is just starting to go away but that kept me from kicking up my exercise habits for the past year or so. And all the times I hurt myself trying different workout games on the wii. Basically, it seems like every time I exercise, I hurt myself. When did I become an old falling aparty person?

Yesterday I was working on the photo calendar for next year because I’m Uber Planny Mom and like to worry about things months in advance of them being relevant. I picked out a cute picture of MM to put in the square for his birthday and then typed the words “[MM]‘s 8th birthday.” Then I’m pretty sure I had the world’s tiniest panic attack. Not really a panic attack so much as a staring at my computer screen all mouth gapey and trying to work out how the math was a lie. Because I don’t think this should be humanly possible.

I’m pretty sure that a few months ago I was an irresponsible college kid who sometimes skipped class to watch Dawson’s Creek marathons on tv. A few months before that I was obsessively reading every Babysitters Club book I could get my hands on instead of playing outside like a normal child and minutes before that I was wearing a super pretty red and black striped dress and getting ready for my first day of school. So having an eight year old next year is clearly mathematically impossible.

Next fall my baby will start kindergarten. I don’t tend to get teary eyed about these milestones. I like to think I allow myself to age gracefully. To acknowledge my gray hairs with pride and to do a mental happy dance when considering the lack of babies in my life. But eight years old? Both children at school? I think 2014 might just rock me to my core.

I’m not sure how all of that is about my inability to exercise without hurting myself except to say that it appears I might be getting old and I’m not sure when it happened. I know that I left my twenties behind a few months ago but it’s all just starting to kick in lately.

My name is Jennifer and apparently I’m an adult. I have a bad knee and appear to be prone to shin splints. I have no babies unless you count the puppy. Strollers have become almost useless in my life. My gray hair has started to make friends. I have a hard time staying up past 10pm and my favorite indulgence is having a second latte. I started wearing cardigans this year and my closet contains pretty much only sensible shoes. For my birthday, I would like a station wagon (but accept that I can’t afford one). You see, the writing is on the wall. Now excuse me while I go get  something to clean that wall!

it’s a snuggle into your bathrobe and watch movies with your sick children kind of day.

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It’s a lazy day kind of morning here at Chez Momma. The elder child seems to be fighting off the stomach bug that his sister had several days ago. Neither child seems to be having it in a bad way per say, as in I’ve seen worse and I haven’t really had to clean up anything, but he looks so run down and just not himself that I kept him home from school today. The poor kid was trying really hard to convince me that he felt fine and wanted to go to school but he was shivering for no obvious reason (no fever) and just looked miserable. Plus he’s been fighting a bad cough for a week now at least. And he has The Smell.

Moms, do you know what I am talking about here? I swear, I can tell if one of my kids is really & truly sick because they get The Smell. Usually it’s on their breath, this morning it was permeating his entire bedroom. My husband used to think I was crazy, but now even he can detect The Smell that I speak of and is starting to come around to my camp. It’s kind of like when you can tell your cookies are done baking because the smell suddenly fills the room. I could tell MM was sick this morning because his bedroom smells like you should wear a hazmat suit before entering. This kid is sick and staying home. Hopefully it just results in a little extra television time and maybe some crafting if he’s feeling up to it later (Mommy Shorts says all sick kids should do lots of crafting).

Meanwhile I’m donning my comfiest robe, drinking a nice latte and hoping the dog spends a lot of time napping on my feet, his favorite resting spot, and isn’t ape shit crazy energy dog today. I think we all know which one of those is mostly likely to happen though, don’t we? ::sigh::