op ed

Don't Get Me Wrong…

I’m married to a fantastic, caring husband with a stable job in the midst of a rocky economy that is still affecting people everywhere – in a state where thousands of people’s jobs are at risk (I know this is a really biased source, but I’m working on the netbook right now and frankly don’t have the energy to find a better source, but suffice it to say, I’m very anti-Walker). But for the moment, our finances are secure and we are lucky.

I am blessed with two adorable, intelligent healthy children in a world where kids go hungry, get sick or worse. I am blessed.

Thanks to our recent move to Wisconsin, we’ve been able to save more money than I would have once thought possible, putting us in the position to buy our first home in a state where house prices are nearly half of what we’d have paid in Massachusetts. Which makes our whole move here fortunate in more ways than we could have predicted. We have been very luck indeed.

I have a strong support network of family and friends in a world where many feel unloved, I know that I am cared about and needed and valued. I cherish these people and thank my lucky stars for them.

I have the ability to adapt to life’s changes and make the best of new situations. I can make new friends and find my way to being comfortable in a new home as often as I need to and for the most part appear resilient in this. I am open to change. I am optimistic that things will work out – I am amazed each time this happens at the fantastic new people I meet through these life changes. They are awesome.

But the truth is, even when I know that I am a lucky, blessed fortunate person with so much going for me and so much love surrounding me… I also feel lonely sometimes.

It’s lonely to watch the friends you’ve left behind continue their lives without you and for the most part, appear no worse from your absence. To see their pictures of fun times that you aren’t in now. Sure I make new friends and take new pictures, but making new friends – though possible – is hard.

It’s hard to leave behind the amazing friendships that are rock hard strong and built to last. To hope that you’ll find that again and that maybe some of the friendships you are starting will be that strong someday. To worry that the wrong word or thought or moment might potentially end that friendship and send you spiraling back to square one.

Sometimes I find myself over analyzing everything and feeling like a silly teenager worrying that her boyfriend might not love her when she wakes up tomorrow. And the thing is – those silly teenagers are not wrong to worry about it. Young love is fickle and ends often. But we pay the price and endure that drama because hopefully we come out of the race with a love that lasts. I did.

Which makes it all the more infuriating sometimes to deal with these ridiculous girly weepy whiny feelings again. I’ve got the love of my life and an amazing family – I’ve got great friends, though most of them are too far away to grab a cup of coffee with or invite over for a party. And some of these new friendships, heck they might last that test of time after all, in spite of my fears and neediness. But it suuuuuucks being stuck inside my head in the meantime, you know?

And sometimes I feel lonely. And sometimes I just want to visit my best friend and vent and complain and hear her say, “Oh my god, me too!” And then we’d eat junk food together and talk about nothing and everything at the same time in that special Friend Language that nobody else can understand.

Since I can’t do that, I thought I’d vent to you instead. Wanna eat junk food together and talk nonsense for awhile in the comments section?

motherhood photography

I Am: Her Personal Paparazzi

Sunday night we were watching Aladdin together and while the boys were giggling together over the antics of Genie, the magic carpet and Abu, I was struck by the utter adorableness of BB’s new cotton tights. Really. Yes, I know – so many things in this picture to sigh over – like those cheeks, those curls, the daddy cuddles… But seriously?

How adorable are those stripes? I couldn’t stand it. So I got up to get the camera and take a picture. The second she noticed what I was doing she got up and went to another room. Spoil sport.

One of her new favorite games is to run away from me, giggling maniacally whenever I pull out the camera. Unfortunately for her, I find this adorable and call it a challenge. (PS: Look, it’s Dolly!)

You might be wondering what that yellow string she’s holding is…

Isn’t that little froggy adorable? We actually got this when MM was her age and I love seeing it become one of those toys that passed down to the next kid and loved and cherished all over again. Also – full view of the tights which was my goal after all. Please ignore the cluttered, messy pantry behind the adorable girl. Focus on the adorable – not the clutter.