Categories
op ed

on not fighting the tides.

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It’s a lounge in our jammies watching tv kind of day. A second latte, lingering in little moments kind of day. I’ve been trying to focus on all the little good things – the impossible bend in her limbs as she watches Sofia the First on repeat with me. The delicious taste of coffee freshly brewed at home. A happy, healthy family. The weekend fast approaching, finally.

Lately little aspects of our lives that I cannot control have been bugging me more than usual. Family being far away has been getting harder to take in stride and that feeling of being an outsider in a town full of outsiders trying to break in. Driving down the same roads every day, I feel like a hamster running the same wheel and accomplishing little. My social circle continues to expand and then extract as people come and go and I find myself saying good bye to good friends that it’s hard to imagine living without and yet I should be used to it, it’s happened before and will happen again. I should remember all the friends who had to say goodbye to us when we moved not that long ago.

I remind myself of all of the things that I love about our home and our lives. Of our happy, healthy family and the roof over our heads. All the things we have that others have not. I miss my family. I resent the moments I am missing in their lives that I am not a part of and wonder how much is changing that I’ll never know. I’m tired of saying good bye and saying hello and then good bye again. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and connect with people and plant roots in your lives only to have them dug up again and being forced to start again. And though I know I’ll be fine, I stubbornly lick my wounds and take a day to just hide inside of it all.

I know that my real problem is the impermanence and my own lack of control in the changes of our lives. Your best friend can move away tomorrow and though the friendship will always be there, it will never be the same. The people we love will not always be there – and even though these losses are inevitable, we still put ourselves out there and love. It’s always worth it, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. But sometimes when you are standing in the cross hairs of change, you look at the choices we make in our lives and it seems silly. Why make plans when they may never come to fruition? Why make these roots only to have them dug up? Why is change so hard every time? Why are we walking this path at all? What if there is another path that would be easier that we cannot fathom right now?

I’m trying to ignore myself right now – to spend another hour in my pjs, watching Disney Jr with my little girl, while she’s still little. I’m not going to worry about the things I cannot control, which is, you know, basically everything. I can’t think about that right now, I’ll think about that tomorrow.

Categories
family fun memes & carnivals

Old School Blogging: April 2013

You know I love  good meme – I saw this blog carnival, Old School Blogging, at Krystyn‘s and decided to play along. What exactly does “old school blogging imply”? Elaine writes:

“Do you remember when we used to pass these things around and “tag” each other and then we would read and laugh and smile at each other’s answers?  I do! (and if you do not, well, even MORE reason to join in!)”

This month’s theme is all about marriage, babies and bliss. To play along, simply answer the below questions and link up at The Miss Elaine-ous Life

1. How did your husband pop the big question?

The question was kind of implied before it was popped, yet I was still surprised when he took me to Olive Garden, one of my favorite restaurants and after a delicious dinner he nervously stopped in the parking lot and said those magic words every girl wants to hear “Will you marry me?” It was a simple moment and yet one of the most important of my life – and I’d say a moment that set the tone for our marriage. :O)

2. What are the three most surprising things about married life?

  • How much I still find myself learning about him after almost seven years – as we continue to grow and mature and change, we still manage to find new things to talk about every day and new reasons to love each other.
  • Little things like him getting a haircut or wearing a new shirt make me giggle and feel like a school girl with a crush.
  • Even when we are arguing or disagree or downright upset with one another, the love doesn’t go away. Maybe this is obvious to most people, but it was revolutionary information for me.

3. How did you find out you were pregnant for the first time?

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha – no comment.

4. How did you choose your first baby’s name?

I think we had a few names chosen already and were set on the name Joshua if it was a boy and a few names if it was a girl and then we found out it was a boy and totally changed our minds. MM has a name that suits him perfectly and it was kind of by random chance that it happened. Much like my marriage proposal, it all happened in simple moments that felt exactly right.

5. Describe where you see yourself in 10 years from now…

Things I know: We’ll have a 17 year old (hold me) and a 13 year old. One child about to graduate high school and one just beginning. Sometimes I think we may live in New England again by then, or maybe just sentimentally hope? But we have a lot of job security here for a company that hubby loves so it would take a lot of What Ifs happening for that to happen. I will be 40 in ten years. These are the things I feel I can safely anticipate. The rest is the fun stuff we’re not allowed to predict. Life changes too quickly to rely on much. I imagine my husband will have taken up a hobby like cleaning rifles in the living room when BB’s boyfriends come over and that MM will be brilliant and dreaming of an impressive future of his own. I will probably have a book or twelve on my nightstand and be thinking about cookies.

6. Describe how you find bliss, either with words or images.

easter

weather

snacks

If you are playing along, let me know in the comments section below! I’m not much for tagging people, but if you are looking at this post and thinking it looks like fun, BAM, you’ve been tagged (that’s what tagging sounds like obvy).