When playing Farmtowne 3D it helps to begin by looking at the farm through your camera lens for awhile so your eyeballs can adjust to life offline slowly…

Make sure to get pictures of every ear of corn – because if you don’t photograph it – it doesn’t exist. Taking pictures of corn, by the way, is way more fun than planting it in an ordinary online game. Because you don’t have to come back 30 minutes later to harvest it or risk losing all your money.

But you will need to put down the camera eventually, or else you might lose your family in the middle of the corn maze!

Slow them down by asking to take a picture of them, too. They are much cuter than corn anyway.

In Farmtowne 3D, not only do you get to have children, but you can get them to drive large wooden vehicles – they don’t even need a license or a friend request.

The animals in this game are incredibly life-like… Listen to those intoxicating purrs… you know you want one…

Pick one up and snuggle it for as long as you can, because no matter how much you pout, your husband won’t let you take one home.

This is kind of like that Oregon Trail game where you sit there and wait for a buffalo to run across the screen so that you can shoot it, except you are looking for bunnies and not buffalo, there is no screen and if you shoot the animals they will ask you to leave – or maybe even arrest you. I bet that’s why they have that bunny jail house off in the background. No rabbit hunting off season permitted (or they shove you in a small box and force feed you carrots – true story*).

For bonus points make sure you get an obligatory picture of your better half bonding with the children. Looking at the camera not required. Luckily.

Here’s another fun Farmtowne 3D game – duck racing! Using an old fashioned water pump, who can get their rubber ducky to the other end fastest? They asked the farm ducks to race but the ducks just laughed at them in their snarky duck way**. Not gonna happen, seriously.

Word of warning: small hands get pretty cold when soaking wet. Luckily they were having too much fun to care.

Don’t worry, the game isn’t frozen, he’s just taking his dear sweet time getting down the world’s longest slide. And lucky you, he’ll want to go again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again…

Perhaps the most fun game of all : how may hysterical jumping pictures can you take while your children blow off copious amounts of energy?

Bonus points!!!!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve just completed level 283741 of Farmtowne 3D – you are now a Space Ninja Farmer Supreme (with sour cream of course). Would you like to send spam mail to all of your friends, family and enemies to let them know how clever you are and receive the special bonus prize? Just click here.

Warning: Please don’t attempt any actual farming while playing Farmtowne 3D – the use of shovels, pitchforks or watering cans is not permitted unless you are an employer of said farm. For the biggest point values during game play, we suggest playing with the designated play areas with your children and taking as many pictures as humanly possible. Because if you don’t take pictures of your children, they don’t exist… Seriously.

*Not a true story, this blog post is almost entirely fictional except the part about how we went to a farm recently.

**The ducks official statement is difficult to translate. It may have sounded something like “quack quack quack quack quack” but I’m not sure because I didn’t actually ask them.