Sometimes I feel sad in the winter even when I’m happy. Nothing bad is happening – it’s like a phantom ache, the memories of winter past are enough. I can still feel that familiar pang of unwanted change – love ending, autumn ending, the first snow meaning little more than a bone numbing chill, waiting for the dorms to turn the heat ON.
When I was in college the seasons meant predictable things to me. The fall meant a brief feeling that anything could happen, but usually resulted in the knowledge that once again everything had changed without my permission. My classes were different, my schedule had to be relearned, the summer sun was cooling, and usually my relationships were, too.
By winter it was official – everything was different and in a few weeks I’d be going home where I’d sit and do nothing while I waited for the holidays to be over so my life could begin again. Spring was better – I had had my short break and I was ready to take life seriously. I’d usually pick up a new boyfriend – things would get serious. By summer we’d have been dating for months and I’d think nothing could break us. It would. Break us. But in the summer it doesn’t hurt as much. You are too busy having fun or picking up extra shifts at your summer job to worry about it – you can always have a summer fling to take your mind off things. It’s not until you get back that fall that you realize what you’ve lost. And that things went and changed again.
I’m married now and with no college courses to contend with each month feels largely like the month before with the exception of changes in weather. Getting pregnant is likely the first thing to come along in the “what’s new?” category in months (that and the fact that my son likes to sleep naked but ISN’T potty trained – that’s fun – gotta love independence).
But my point is – I’m happily married, have incredible friends, an amazing son and I’m pregnant with amazing child number 2. I’m rocking this life. But the seasons still come and my mood still drops sometimes and things feel a little empty. And when they do, John is the only thing for it. Sometimes I can ONLY deal with John – any other music is just noise. Because only John always gets it – and he always did… Even back in college, it was John I turned to with the turning of my moods…
I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind
I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel is alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul
from Why Georgia
I’m dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn’t help the hunger pains
And a thirst I’d have to drown first to ever satiate
And I don’t know how to fix it
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
When Autumn comes, it doesn’t ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart
from Something’s Missing