Only John Mayer's Songs Can Ever Take Away This Chill

Sometimes I feel sad in the winter even when I’m happy. Nothing bad is happening – it’s like a phantom ache, the memories of winter past are enough. I can still feel that familiar pang of unwanted change – love ending, autumn ending, the first snow meaning little more than a bone numbing chill, waiting for the dorms to turn the heat ON.

When I was in college the seasons meant predictable things to me. The fall meant a brief feeling that anything could happen, but usually resulted in the knowledge that once again everything had changed without my permission. My classes were different, my schedule had to be relearned, the summer sun was cooling, and usually my relationships were, too.

By winter it was official – everything was different and in a few weeks I’d be going home where I’d sit and do nothing while I waited for the holidays to be over so my life could begin again. Spring was better – I had had my short break and I was ready to take life seriously. I’d usually pick up a new boyfriend – things would get serious. By summer we’d have been dating for months and I’d think nothing could break us. It would. Break us. But in the summer it doesn’t hurt as much. You are too busy having fun or picking up extra shifts at your summer job to worry about it – you can always have a summer fling to take your mind off things. It’s not until you get back that fall that you realize what you’ve lost. And that things went and changed again.

I’m married now and with no college courses to contend with each month feels largely like the month before with the exception of changes in weather. Getting pregnant is likely the first thing to come along in the “what’s new?” category in months (that and the fact that my son likes to sleep naked but ISN’T potty trained – that’s fun – gotta love independence).

But my point is – I’m happily married, have incredible friends, an amazing son and I’m pregnant with amazing child number 2. I’m rocking this life. But the seasons still come and my mood still drops sometimes and things feel a little empty. And when they do, John is the only thing for it. Sometimes I can ONLY deal with John – any other music is just noise. Because only John always gets it – and he always did… Even back in college, it was John I turned to with the turning of my moods…

I am driving up 85 in the
kind of morning that lasts all afternoon
just stuck inside the gloom
Four more exits to my apartment but
I am tempted to keep the car in drive
and leave it all behind

I rent a room and I fill the spaces with
wood in places to make it feel like home
but all I feel is alone
It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul

from Why Georgia

I’m dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn’t help the hunger pains
And a thirst I’d have to drown first to ever satiate

Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
At all

When Autumn comes, it doesn’t ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart

from Something’s Missing

8 Comments

  1. John Mayer…heard him (I sware I was the first person in the world who ever heard the first “official” song…I found him and I want him..But I was slightly concerned at the time – he was early twenties and I was 30…he is still growing up in the areas I was ready to go – like fatherhood….(Personally I think a child would fit his life perfectly, add profoundly to his already incredible world of translating life to lyrics (to a billion dollar hit besides!)..EVERY SONG MAKES SENSE and EVERY SONG GIVES ME CHILLS – his voice talking or singing is the sexiest thing I have ever heard….We made our first child to his music..and we are trying for number 2 as we speak, practically, and he will MOST CERTAINLY be involved…I wonder how many babies he is responsible for..and is Jen ok with this? (haha) Wish I was her, but at the same time – if I wasn’t me I wouldn’t be looking into the most beautiful blue eyes of my son (and husband)….the grass is always greener…but HE MAKES EVERYTHING GOOD…From my gardening to my bathing, to cleaning music and errands…it is always and ONLY JOHNNY…and my son, now just 4 and wanting a brother and a GUITAR LIKE JOHNNY’s…knows almost all of his music and want to be like him…John is just an integrated part of my life and family and if he is even a quarter of the man who writes those lyrics….OMG THAT HAS GOT TO BE ONE GOOD THING TO BE WITH HIM!

    Hell, my hubby even joked John should not have dated Jessica (her b-day is July 10)…so is mine but I am a few years (and about a million miles more mature or ahead of where she is..)so hubby said he just dated the wrong woman, had the birthday right. My Mother’s Day gift for the last two years have been tickets from my hubby and son to go to his concert at Marcus Amphitheater at SummerFest and…There are no words for a man who can write music and play like that. That kind of talent, and beauty just turns me on to no end…something about a man who can write words, poetically and profoundly meaningful – and so devastatingly beautiful is the musical story he writes with it….he is raw…natural and free at his concerts and yet it is always steady perfection. He is the most delicious man this side of the solar system – for as far back in history that I know and as far as I could possibly imagine – there will never be another man with talent and COMPLETE BEAUTY….

    I do not go a day without him….John is my “imaginary friend (with benefits)” – hey, if my son can have an imaginary friend – can’t a crazy stay-at-home mom have one, too?

    Anyways, that is my fantasy! Glad to hear another woman relied on the man, too. His words get you through, and he just gets us as women (slick, but is it real? Jen will find out for us and unfortunately the news will tell us what SHE FOUND OUT!)

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  2. @ Jen : Thanks for the tip! Between that and John Mayer and the fact that nothing is wrong… I’m sure I’ll be fine this year. 🙂

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  3. I love that song “Something’s Missing”. I never realized it had anything to do with the holidays.

    I get the same way in the winter. Here’s a little trick that I’ve been using that helps me get through it: I actually get excited about the fact that each day after the winter solstice gets longer. I don’t know why but that just makes me feel better about the fact that spring is on the way. Even though fall is so beautiful it is still the dread of winter that can never let me enjoy it.

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  4. @ Patrice : Seriously I did not realize until I wrote that HOW LONG I’ve been listening to his music – it still seems like a year maybe two have gone by and not ummm 7 almost 8 years – that makes him like my longest relationship EVER. 🙂

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  5. LOVE IT! lol I love it when there is something on your mind and a song explains it so perfectly!! How lucky that you and John have this amazing connection! I bet he was writing these thinking of you and how you needed his words hehehe

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