It’s only Tuesday and I’m already feeling a little bit insane about this week and life isn’t helping to make me less ranty so clearly it’s time to give myself a little self therapy the best way I know how : write about my problems until all the power has been typed out of them and they are sad, dry husks of drama swept under the rug.

So behold, my list of grievances or things I’m putting on notice.

• the woodpecker who seems convinced that the side of my house is a tree. Still.
• My car which is determined to give me an ulcer even though there might be nothing wrong with it but it’s cried wolf so many times this summer that I’m forever flinching at every weird sound.
• Also the side view mirror on the driver side of my car which really is messed up and it looks like I’m seeing double when I look in it, which is super exciting and not at all stressing me out every time I go to merge into traffic.
• We finally went to get the stitches out and the whole parking lot was under construction and super confusing. Places with Urgent Care should not be allowed to be confusing. Ever. Construction, I am done with you today.
• I’m grateful to have those stitches out of my baby’s forehead, but we had to wait so long that the kids didn’t get started on homework until 5pm. Homework seriously needs to be fired tonight.
• I still need to make dinner. All I want is cake. Vegetables and time taken to cook real food? You’re fired.
• Tomorrow is picture day and MM has a giant scar on his forehead. I’m trying super hard to be all zen about this. But I’m not pleased. Aren’t school pictures awkward enough without head injuries?
• The laundry needs to be folded and put away. I don’t want to do it. Laundry needs to be fired. Seriously.
• The dog is driving me crazy. Have we invented a mute button for dogs yet?
• We need milk but I don’t want to buy milk until I’m convinced the fridge is working again. I’m tired of drinking spoiled milk to see if it’s spoiled.
• Did I mention Dan had to repair the fridge again this weekend? I’d like to fire my fridge but I really just want it to start acting like a contributing member of our household again. No more appliances in my house are allowed to break for the rest of the year, mkay?
• I keep oscillating between hot and cold because nature is being stupid to me. Running air conditioners and space heaters on the same day is fired.

I want cake.

The End