Last weekend my daughter’s class had a late night field trip to the regional airport where we and a half billion other people (or a couple hundred, I’m not a mathmetician) crowded into the narrow hallway by the ticketing counter and waited for 2+ hours so we could greet some local veterans coming back from an honor flight. I think it was an emotionally fulfilling event and something about Civic pride but all I could focus on was the fact that my 8 year old would have to stay up until 11pm (also I had to stay up until 11pm – ugh) while being relatively pleasant ; and the crowds were draining all of my life force minute by wretched minute.
I tried to stay upbeat and pretend I wasn’t dying inside every time people cheered for no discernable reason other than crowd mentality and adrenaline. I helped my daughter make posters to hold up for the troops and made jokes with the other mothers about the spelling and grammar mistakes in each of them. I made small talk and hid in the back when I needed to and just generally tried not to run out screaming.
As the night wore on and the crowds grew bigger and rowdier while my family grew more tired and cranky, I tried to keep it real. I admitted that I was struggling with the crowds and tried to live my truth. The kind moms I confided in were so understanding and didn’t even say, “wow, you are super crazy and I’m going to back away slowly now.” I wish I could say that made me feel better.
Mostly I just felt drained and a little defeated. How can all these people stand so comfortably in a crowd like that? Why couldn’t I rise to the occasion? Have I always been this broken or have I changed with age? I’ve never been confused about the fact that I’m introverted but I’m not often thrown into a situation like this where I can barely function because of it. Maybe that makes me lucky. Maybe I should focus on feeling proud of myself for not having a nervous breakdown in public. Or give myself grace and just accept myself as I am or something. But mostly I just feel tired.
Tired because I was up past my bedtime. Tired of having to fake it and pretend things are enjoyable when they’re not; or be honest and say when I am struggling because #nofilter and have to be the recipient of sympathy or understanding that I didn’t really want. And I know there are people out there who know how I feel and struggle with this, too, but we’re all too introverted to wave and say hi or something. Hi. 👋
Anyway, there really isn’t a point to this post except to acknowledge my #truth and share a cute picture of my kid and her sign and to ask if you think servace is a real word, and if not, let’s make it a word and leave our favorite fake definitions in the comments section?
I’m linking up with Mama Kat today. Check out her blog for more prompts and participants.