on not fighting the tides.

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It’s a lounge in our jammies watching tv kind of day. A second latte, lingering in little moments kind of day. I’ve been trying to focus on all the little good things – the impossible bend in her limbs as she watches Sofia the First on repeat with me. The delicious taste of coffee freshly brewed at home. A happy, healthy family. The weekend fast approaching, finally.

Lately little aspects of our lives that I cannot control have been bugging me more than usual. Family being far away has been getting harder to take in stride and that feeling of being an outsider in a town full of outsiders trying to break in. Driving down the same roads every day, I feel like a hamster running the same wheel and accomplishing little. My social circle continues to expand and then extract as people come and go and I find myself saying good bye to good friends that it’s hard to imagine living without and yet I should be used to it, it’s happened before and will happen again. I should remember all the friends who had to say goodbye to us when we moved not that long ago.

I remind myself of all of the things that I love about our home and our lives. Of our happy, healthy family and the roof over our heads. All the things we have that others have not. I miss my family. I resent the moments I am missing in their lives that I am not a part of and wonder how much is changing that I’ll never know. I’m tired of saying good bye and saying hello and then good bye again. It’s so hard to put yourself out there and connect with people and plant roots in your lives only to have them dug up again and being forced to start again. And though I know I’ll be fine, I stubbornly lick my wounds and take a day to just hide inside of it all.

I know that my real problem is the impermanence and my own lack of control in the changes of our lives. Your best friend can move away tomorrow and though the friendship will always be there, it will never be the same. The people we love will not always be there – and even though these losses are inevitable, we still put ourselves out there and love. It’s always worth it, but that doesn’t make it hurt less. But sometimes when you are standing in the cross hairs of change, you look at the choices we make in our lives and it seems silly. Why make plans when they may never come to fruition? Why make these roots only to have them dug up? Why is change so hard every time? Why are we walking this path at all? What if there is another path that would be easier that we cannot fathom right now?

I’m trying to ignore myself right now – to spend another hour in my pjs, watching Disney Jr with my little girl, while she’s still little. I’m not going to worry about the things I cannot control, which is, you know, basically everything. I can’t think about that right now, I’ll think about that tomorrow.

3 thoughts on “on not fighting the tides.

  1. I know what you mean about impermanence and feeling like an outsider. I have enjoyed my time here, but I can’t help but feel that this place if very “Cliquey”. If you don’t fit into a certain box (University, government, Epic) you never really find a home here. What I’m going to miss most is the friendships I’ve made through Newcomers. It’s nice to hang out with “real” people who don’t have to act all cliquey about the groups they belong to. I gave up trying to fit in and just decided to be me. Just remember, although I’m moving away, I’m just a short drive away. And the interwebs make it much easier to stay connected.

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  2. I *totally* get it..right down to the hamster wheel and the family being far away.

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