They say that kids say the darndest things. Over the past few years I’ve come to realize what an understatement that is. When Mama Kat gave this prompt for the Writer’s Workshop this week:

5.) Write a list of things kids say that adults can’t get away with.

I knew I had a fully loaded arsenal of material. Over the past couple years my kids have said stuff so bizarre that I had to write it down so I could use it against them later look back and laugh some day. I’ve shared some of these on the blog before – and some are new. Some are funny, some are darkly… funny and some – there are just no words. Most (but not all) were said by my darling daughter. So in roughly chronological order, I give you –

Things My Kids Say That Would Get Me Arrested, Booed off the Stage, Locked in a Looney Bin or Worse.

Example one: Kids can get away with leading you into an opportunity to berate and humiliate you.  Also known as The Set Up

BB:“Mommy what are you eating?”
Me:“Pasta, what are you eating?”
BB (with full on eye roll):“Peanut butter and honey… How many times do I have to tell you???”

Example two: Kids can lie straight to your face about the weirdest things – the equivalent of that girl at the party who is telling you a story that you are later convinced was 100% BS.

MM: “Mom, I know it seemed like the bus was on time today but the bus driver drifted off to sleep earlier while driving the bus and his hands slipped off the wheel and the key fell out and we were parked at Cherry Berry – you know that frozen yogurt place you take us to sometimes? And then the bus driver woke up and bought us ALL frozen yogurt!!” Wait! What??

Example three: Kids can talk about things that are completely irrelevant to everything.

MM: “Mom, sometimes when I look out the window at our backyard… I think it’s so big we could invite ELEPHANTS! Because there’s so much room out there!”

Example four: Kids can get away with pretty dark, twisty, incomprehensible humor.

BB: “Daddy, what’s zero plus water? The air gets scared, because there’s a scary dolphin in it. Because that’s my joke, daddy.”

Example five: Sometimes kids are capable of very complex, philosophical thinking that grownups just couldn’t possibly understand.

BB: You know, Daddy, these wings can’t fly on their own. If a person wants to wear them, they can, but that person just won’t fly. They can’t because something is missing. It’s flying that’s missing, because these wings just can’t fly.

But they’re excellent. I just love these wings, Daddy.

Example six: Kids can joke (?) about very morbid things.

BB: “Daddy, you have to put your head on, so you don’t get dirty.”

Dan: “What?? What does that mean?”

BB: “It means you need to put your head on a different size head. Like this size head (points at her own head). It will help………………me.”

Example seven: Kids can write the purest form of fanfiction and nobody rolls their eyes at them about it.

BB: “Mommy, did you know that Batman has a wife who is a woman and her name is Batwoman and Batman is the King and Batwoman is the Queen and there is a bat princess named Sofia and Bat Sofia has a sister bat named Amber and a brother bat named James and there is a Bat Bailiwick, too, mommy and they all wear beautiful Bat Costumes. Would you like to hear my batman song mommy?”

Example eight: Kids can give backhanded compliments like it’s their job.

BB, pointing to a girl at Starbucks with a cute messy bun updo: “mommy look at that lumpy girl!”

Me: don’t call her that!

BB: “But she has a lumpy hair mommy and it’s beautiful!”

Me: it’s called a bun.

BB: “yeah she has a lumpy bunnnn mommy!”

Me: don’t say that either.

Example nine: Kids can handle pretty cold temperatures, apparently. Alternately, we’ve been in Wisconsin too long.

MM: How hot do you want your coffee?
BB: Six degrees.
MM: 6 degrees is pretty cold – more like 35 degrees is pretty warm, 65 degrees is SUPER HOT. 43 degrees is perfect for us, ok?

Example ten: Kids can insult your favorite song better than the harshest critic while wearing a tutu and a ninja turtle mask.

While listening to Say Something on the radio which goes something like this…

Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you

My daughter asks me: “When are we giving up on THIS SONG mommy? … because I HATE it.”

What are some of the funnier, stranger things your kids have said? Tell me your favorites in the comments section and check out Mama Kat‘s link up for more great responses!