*Disclaimer* After spending the majority of my lunch today worrying that any one of the celebrities mentioned in this post might be googling themselves and come across this blog, I became concerned that they might be insulted by my humor, get their feelings hurt, poke an eye out, that kind of thing. I’d like to state for the record that this blog post is meant to be humorous and is not meant to be taken seriously. I think it goes without saying that I believe John Mayer is perfectly capable of picking his own girlfriends and I do not claim to actually know anything about the intelligence levels of anyone in question or the true nature of their personalities and activities for that matter.  In fact I am hoping that through this post I have managed to poke fun at the notion of taking the lives of celebrities and the things we read online about them seriously. I hope if John Mayer is reading this that he is thinking something along the lines of, “Good one, Jen” or “You’re right, I should give JNatalie a call…” You get the point right? We can all have a good laugh now and enjoy ourselves without worrying about hurt feelings and / or libel? Okay, read on…

Despite knowing full well I’d be getting up gawd awful early this morning, I had a hard time sleeping last night. I suppose that in and of itself is nothing new, but the reason was certainly a first for me. You see, I was up all night, worried and thinking about who John Mayer should date next. Yes seriously. Now that he and Jen Aniston have split up, I’ve been wondering, “Where does he go from here?” What would be a good fit for our Johnny?

When I first heard he was dating Jessica Simpson I have to admit I was a little shocked and a little disappointed (maybe wrongfully so, I don’t know, having never met the girl, but I did see her reality show with Nick way back when, and I did learn she’s never done her own laundry, and well…), so their break up did not bother so much as thrill me. Fast forward to me hearing he was dating Jennifer, and while I was surprised I was also pleased. She is so gorgeous and clearly has a head on her shoulders. She’s the picture of grace and beauty… And really? Why was she dating John Mayer again? Maybe after seeing herself in The Good Girl it made her think she should be less of an adult, but really, Jennifer, you are perfect the way you are and I can’t see you being happy with John in the long run either…

Not knowing the specifics of both break ups, I can only speculate that he left Jessica because it got tiring to be forever smarter than his girlfriend no matter how admittedly gorgeous she is. Jennifer being the exact opposite, terribly smart – was perhaps too smart for him? But more likely simply too old – not to say that she is OLD because she’s not – but she might be too old for HIM maturity wise? Do you follow me? Are my self-inflicted censorings getting in the way of my humor? Anyway, I’m thinking she probably broke up with him, because she just doesn’t strike me as someone many men would walk away from, except maybe for Ms. Jolie aka Wonder Woman.

So what John needs is someone who is not beneath him, but also not above him. If she could have an interest in being light green, that might be a good thing. She should be okay with spotlight but not a paparazzi fiend. A little sarcastic and totally good looking, because he clearly has high standards where looks are concerned. Seriously. And maybe she should be a bit of an underdog, a bit of a Goonie, perhaps? And I hope she likes Count Chocula and men who use the word ratio in love songs… Seriously, I don’t need to link to anything for you to get that right? We’re all die hard fans, correct?

I hear he likes to have a good time with his fans from time to time, and while this doesn’t necessarily bother me I’m hoping that the right woman would break him of that habit, because it’s not good long term publicity to mess with your fans – we all know it happens and I’m sure the tween fans probably love it, but let’s think realistically. Let’s think long term.

With that in mind, I don’t think he should start a serious relationship for like, lets say, at least two weeks. Or it will be doomed to fail from the start – it will be so clearly a rebound thing that nobody will ever take it seriously. But so, let’s say, September? So after thinking about this all night I’ve narrowed it down to two (2) potential girlies, but I’d prefer a list of three (3) before making a final decision, anyway, here are my two nominees:

1) Mary Kate Olsen – I wasn’t sure at first which twin would be best for our Johnny – both are obviously of equal good looks, but then I think, really what do we know of Miss Ashley other than that she doesn’t seem to get into the same shenanigans as her sister (Shenangians is both an awesome word and a fun thing to do, by the way)? So for a moment I thought Ashley would be perfect, but really, she might be a little too boring for John and not quite edgy enough. That’s not to say she is boring by nature, but might be bored herself talking about his hair for hours on end… MK – she’s edgy, and she’d get John’s crazy side in a way that I don’t think Ashley would – she’d run her fingers through his hair if he ever grows it back – Now I may be misjudging Ash – I’m sure growing up the twin of Ms. Edgy might help her to appreciate John’s funky side, but I think she’d already be tired of being the second wheel to that. But would MK be GOOD for John or just fun? I’m not sure. Also, maybe he watched Full House a lot growing up and feels this would be too pervy a choice? But I don’t think they are that far off in age and they would make a cute couple, don’t you think? DH seems to think it would be okay – apparently in high school he thought she was super hot. Maybe John did, too? BUT it may be too soon for MK to start dating someone new and famous, with that whole Heath Ledger thing still fresh in all of our minds… what was that about?

2) Natalie Portman – After seeing Nat’s SNL video awhile back, it became clear that there were many sides to Ms. Portman that I was not aware of – which I think John would like – she’s not sugary sweet, she’s got edge, but she also seems very good at avoiding bad publicity, seeing as I can recall nothing bad about her at all. And she cares about Africa! And shoes! She can juggle having skits on Sesame Street and having fun spoofs on SNL – her projects (you know, movies) are varied but always good. She seems to have good taste and um hello she’s gorgeous. She is currently my favorite but I’m just not sure. DH thinks she’s too good for John Mayer, but he might be biased. Then I worried that since his last two girlfriends were named Jennifer and Jessica, and his name being John, that maybe there is a name requirement? Jennifer Love Hewitt? I really don’t feel like throwing up today. And maybe another Jennifer would be in bad taste? What does that leave us with? Natalie, would you be up for a name change? Perhaps JNatalie?

So I think we need one more nominee before we can put this up for a vote, but I’m fresh out of great idea – anyone have any suggestions? I’d like to take care of this post haste because September is fast approaching, and I’ll be on vacation by then, so matters will be left up to John largely by then and you know he has a busy schedule so the less prospects he has to weed through, the better, am I right?

So, who do you think John Mayer should date next?:

a) Mary Kate

b) JNatalie

– edit w/ write ins: –

c) Anna Faris

d) Keira Knightley

e) Scarlett Johansson

f) any other write-ins?